


Orochimaru's Worst Memories

by JigokuDayu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Age Difference, Angst and Tragedy, Bisexual Male Character, Blood and Gore, Break Up, Crying, Cunnilingus, F/M, Fights, Grief/Mourning, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Sex, Rape/Non-con Elements, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unconscious Sex, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 15:50:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JigokuDayu/pseuds/JigokuDayu
Summary: Orochimaru is not an evil, heartless monster. He's only hardened himself against the pain of everything he's been through.





	1. Memory I

1.

There was something shiny within the fallen leaves where his errant shuriken had landed. He recognized it after a moment. It was the same snake he'd seen only the day before. The creature's scales were ghostly white. It stood out in Orochimaru's mind as matching his own skin colour and that of his mother's.

" _Mother_ ," he thought, " _when will you and Father return from your mission? It's been so long since you left_."

This peaceful spot in the woods was where he always came to practise throwing shuriken. Perhaps the pale serpent enjoyed the stillness of the area as much as he did. The thing was quite still, itself. Orochimaru knelt down to pick up his fallen weapon and have a closer look.

It was then he could see that the snake was dead. The eyes were glazed over and there was a gash in its belly. He jumped back, shuddering.

" _I saw it slithering up the tree only yesterday. Right before that man showed up with pictures of Mother and Father. Could that stranger have killed this poor snake?_ " Orochimaru suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He started running away as fast as he could, not wanting to spend another second alone in the forest. The silence had become eerie and oppressive. All the peacefulness had been shattered.

Orochimaru headed straight for home. It was just as well for it was getting dark. The old woman who lived down the road would be around to check on him once the sun had set. His parents had arranged for her to do so whenever they were gone on one of their missions.

Once inside, he was perplexed find that the lamp he had left on was now turned off. Had the bulb burnt out? The shadows heightened his fear. He groped about for the switch, but couldn't find it. His chest grew tight.

In the dim light, he could make out two human shapes lying on the tatami mat. Orochimaru stooped over to inspect them. They were his parents. The strange sight made his skin crawl. He couldn't understand it. Why would they be back and sleeping there instead of in their bed?

His mother's gray kimono had black markings that weren't normally there. He reached out to touch one of the spots and discovered it was wet. Orochimaru held his hand up to the faint light seeping in from the window. The liquid on his fingertips was not black. It was red. "Mother, are you are hurt?"

His little voice was trembling. He seized her shoulders and attempted to shake her back into consciousness. As he pulled her up, something fell and landed on the tatami with a soft thud. His mother's head rolled a few inches and came to rest against his knee. Her eyes were glassy, just like the snakes'.

They were both dead. Orochimaru started screaming so loudly that he felt like he would soon burst his own eardrums. He crawled back outside as fast as he could. Vomit came up his throat like a crashing wave, stifling his shrieks of horror and splattering on the ground before him.

When it was finally all out, he noticed that a scroll had been tossed on the porch. It was addressed to the Leaf Village. His hands could barely stop shaking long enough to open it. The message inside made him want to scream again, only now his voice had disappeared.

" _Your two shinobi were such pitiful and idiotic spies, we thought dissecting them for secrets would surely turn up nothing. Their equally stupid son blew their cover, identifying them for us. Is this the best the Leaf Village has to offer? It seems that the Hokage is looking to start a war he has no chance of winning. Consider this a warning_."

He sat there crying and shivering. The residue of bile stung his lips. It was all his fault. The stranger he had met showed him photographs, asking if he knew the people in them. Orochimaru had explained that they were his parents, currently away on a mission in another land. " _How could I have done that? How could I be so stupid? Mother, Father, I killed you! _"__

__His screams must have attracted attention, as a crowd began to form. It included the old woman from down the road, as well as several members of ANBU. He knew about them. His mother had told him they were special shinobi who dealt with the most dangerous situations. One was wearing a mask shaped like a bird's face. She picked up the scroll and read it, then ordered the other ANBU members to search the house. One quickly returned, saying they had found two bodies._ _

__Any hope that this was all just a nightmare was crushed. Orochimaru could feel accusing eyes bearing down on him. They were asking him all sorts of questions, but he couldn't answer. He was too afraid, too swamped with guilt. The world was collapsing in on him. He wasn't sure if he would ever speak again._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always felt I rushed this chapter, but I don't want to change it. At the time I wrote it, I was feeling very pressured by external influences. Now I just think of it as Orochimaru's recollection being hazy because he was so young and traumatised at the time.


	2. Memories II and III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all about Tsunade...

2.

 

Tsunade arrived half an hour late. It was a bit out of the ordinary for her, but then they usually met up at her place. Perhaps she had merely forgotten how long it would take to walk to his flat and didn't allow herself enough time. Orochimaru deemed it forgivable under the circumstances.

After opening the door, he gestured toward the table in the middle of his sitting room. "I made some tea. It may have gone bitter as I had to reheat it while I was waiting."

As she entered the flat, she kept her arms folded in front of her. "Oh, sorry about that. One of my patients delayed me," she replied stoically. She poured herself a cup of tea and took one sip, then sat it back down. "It's fine. Not too bitter." Tsunade stayed on her feet. "I guess we should talk... Now that we have some privacy, that is. I've been so busy at the hospital and—"

Before Tsunade could finish, he tilted her chin up with his hand and moved in to kiss her. For some reason, she didn't kiss back. Orochimaru trailed a finger down her throat to try to entice her as he often would. The path down to her breastbone was strangely unobstructed.

"Where is your necklace?" he asked, pulling back from the kiss to examine her.

"I gave it to someone," she murmured. Her cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink.

It was one thing to give a precious family heirloom to her little brother, but who else could possibly be worthy? A nagging suspicion grew in the pit of his stomach, spreading upwards and causing his shoulders to tighten.

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes. "Who?" She was closer to him than anyone else and had never so much as suggested letting him have it. Something strange had to be going on.

Tsunade looked down and sighed. She chewed on her lower lip for a second before answering, "Dan."

Him. That high-minded optimist. Orochimaru couldn't understand what she saw in Dan, other than how the fool followed her around like a lost puppy. It really was pathetic. Why on earth did it impress her? Of course, Tsunade was so different lately. It was hard to know what exactly she was thinking.

It proved almost impossible to shake off the anger and hatred he felt towards Dan, but Orochimaru remained placid in front of Tsunade. He reached out and gently brushed his fingers over her hair. "Ever since your brother died, you've treated me differently. Do you blame me for what happened to Nawaki?"

"No, I know it wasn't your fault," she sighed. Her brow contorted in anguish.

"Then what is it?" he asked, fighting to keep his tone soft. Her answer had given him a small shred of relief, yet at the same time made him pause. If Nawaki wasn't the reason for this rift between them, what was? Certainly it wasn't that Dan held that kind of power over women. The dolt was ugly and his talent as a shinobi was nothing special.

Recoiling from him, she balled her hands into fists. Tsunade flashed one of her trademark angry glares. "I don't like what you've become. It's as if part of you has been... Warped."

Such abrupt mood swings from her were nothing new, but rarely was he the target of them. Orochimaru folded his arms over his chest. His lips curled into an irate sneer. "Well then, I suppose that just makes you shallow. You can't accept all of me."

"Dan has a great dream to become Hokage." She looked up toward the ceiling with misty eyes. The corners of her mouth arched into a proud smile.

It was sickening to witness such childish adulation for so unworthy a man on Tsunade's part. Orochimaru always reserved a certain amount of pride when he was the subject of her praise, but Dan? This betrayal was intolerable. That weakling didn't merit a second glance, certainly not when she was supposed to be his.

"What about my dreams?" He was gnashing his teeth in rage. Was his own dream of being Hokage somehow less important? "I suppose the two of you couldn't help yourselves and were overcome by the romantic atmosphere in the cemetery. Did he kiss you at your brother's grave? Does he touch you the way I do?" Orochimaru yanked her closer by the arms.

She pried his hands off of her. "No! Dan's a perfect gentleman, which is more than I can say for you, right now. Why don't you get your mind out of the gutter? You sound like Jiraiya," she spat.

"At least Jiraiya wouldn't be won over by some sob-story. He'd never start a relationship based on feeling sorry for each other," he growled. "We are supposed to be shinobi. We must focus on our goals, not wallow in memories of the past."

"You think there was ever anything more between us other than my pity for you?" she shouted. Bubbling anger reddened her face as she glowered at him.

He grabbed her by the throat and squeezed. "If I didn't know that was an outright lie, I would snap this pretty, little neck of yours in two." Orochimaru then pushed her away.

Tsunade didn't bother to argue the point. They both knew it was a pretense. She had loved Orochimaru, for a time. "How can you be so unfeeling? I would have thought you'd be more sympathetic, having lost your parents." Her voice was fraught with emotion and slightly hoarse from being choked.

Orochimaru closed his eyes. "It's because of that. I've learned to shut off those feelings so that I can get on with my life. The pain was too unbearable," he groaned. His eyelids snapped open once more. "Mourning isn't going to bring them back."

"You lie. You never cared about anything other than power," she said through gritted teeth. Her shoulders stiffened.

"Power is necessary for love. If I had been more powerful, I might have been able to do something to save my parents," he said. Regret and frustration were etched in creases on his face. "Even as an adult, I was too weak to prevent Nawaki's death. Now you despise me. So be it. Self-pity won't bring me any closer to my goals. When I discover the secret to immortality, no one need ever mourn again. Your brother's death reminded me of how important my dream is. If I have to kill to make it real, I will."

She shuddered and hung her head down. "Would you kill me?" Her tone was frail, almost sad.

Maybe part of her still cared for him. The thought stirred something deep within his chest. With his left hand, he slowly brushed his knuckles against her cheek. "You're the one I most want to protect with such powers." He'd never admitted that before, not even to himself. The realisation shocked him.

Steadying himself, he continued. "A ninja is only an agent of death. And a ninja village is but a war machine. All of our lives are worthless. The second we take on a mission, our futures are up for grabs. If I could overcome death and weakness, I could end war. I could end suffering. There would no longer be a need for people who exist only to perpetuate death. People could live for themselves. Such a goal would be worth any price."

Daring to look up again, she gaped at him. Her reaction was difficult to gauge. Was it terror or awe that had rendered her speechless?

The confusion ate at him. He grabbed her by the chin. His eyes bore into hers. "Tell me you love me! Say it!" Orochimaru had to hear those words from her lips. After everything he'd said, he needed to be adored by her in order to feel strong again and to justify his own admissions.

There was a glimmer in her eyes that suggested she was holding back tears. "It's not as if you've ever said you loved me."

Orochimaru flinched. Letting go of her, he turned away. "You know I don't like to say that word."

"Why are you like this?" It didn't sound like she was crying, but she hadn't resumed yelling at him, either. Her words seemed numb and jaded.

"I have had to kill my heart." He continued to avoid Tsunade's gaze as if doing so would give her an opening for attack. Being vulnerable like this made the bile rise in his throat.

"How can you expect me to love someone with a dead heart? That's obviously why you can't say it to me, being so dead inside! I used to think you were merely afraid to admit your feelings, but now—"

"Now what?" he shouted, turning back to look at her. His eyes were bulging with rage. Her words only served to provoke him further.

There were no tears in her eyes. All he could make out from her expression was burning hatred. "Now I see that you're incapable of love," Tsunade replied in an icy murmur. "I'd rather have a man who is, even if he is a sentimental fool."

"I'm incapable? That's rich coming from a woman who claims to have only ever pitied me!" He picked up his teacup from the table and threw it against the door. It shattered into dozens of miniscule pieces. Drops of the liquid seeped down the panel.

Orochimaru then seized her by the shoulders, squeezing her like a vise. "Enough of your impudence. You belong to me!"

She shoved him away with her terrifying strength, knocking him several feet back. Without another word, only a ferocious glare, Tsunade stomped out. The front door slammed shut behind her.

Still fuming, Orochimaru punched a hole through the wall. A cloud of dust wafted about as he removed his fist. He was on the verge of punching the wall again when he caught himself.

It wasn't so much that he was mad at Tsunade. He was certainly furious with her, but much more with himself. Orochimaru was angry that he had let himself get hurt. He should have known better. After all, what had he just told her?

That insolent heart of his was still clinging to life, making him weak. His heart was the reason Tsunade was able tear him apart like that. He needed to focus his wrath on it instead of his home and possessions. If he could destroy it once and for all, the awful feeling inside of him would be gone and he wouldn't be so powerless. Orochimaru curled his fingers into the shape of talons as he silently scolded himself. _Kill your heart! Slaughter it. Crush it until there's nothing left_.

 

3.

 

He was waiting in the darkness of her flat when she returned from leaving flowers at Dan's grave. Sitting on her couch, he had worked out what he intended to say to Tsunade.

Orochimaru hadn't been pining over her. That kind of sentimentality was beneath him. Rather, he was disappointed that she had not come to him. The desire to comfort her got the better of him. He'd never particularly cared for Dan, to say the least, but it stung him to know that Tsunade was hurting. Perhaps she had simply been waiting for him to rescue her. If that were the case, he'd be able to prove to her that she should've stayed with him in the first place.

Tsunade didn't see him until she turned the light on. For a split second, her eyes, damp and red from crying, went wide with shock. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a nearly inaudible tone. The First Hokage's necklace was back around her throat.

 _How heavily it must weigh on her_ , he thought. Tsunade had bestowed the accursed gem upon the two people she loved most and both of them met violent, premature ends. Dan had died right before her very eyes. Despite her legendary healing talent, she was helpless to save him. _She must blame herself. Now she truly understands how I've felt all these years, having caused my parents' deaths_.

She looked pale and gaunt. Dan's death had left her a mere shell of her former self. Even her prowess as a medic-nin was gone. The debilitating fear of blood she had acquired as a result rendered her useless on the battlefield. Her acute vulnerability made it easier for him to face her this way. It made them even for her choosing Dan over him.

"I hate to see you looking so sad," he whispered as he rose from his seat. He put his arms around her and gazed deeply into her eyes. Soon, he started kissing her neck. Orochimaru began with little pecks, working his way up to deeper, more languid kisses. It had been such a long time and she felt so good, he couldn't stop himself.

Tsunade was passive at first. She didn't kiss back, but she wasn't resisting him, either. After about a minute, her resolve cracked and she proceeded to return his kisses. Her tear-streaked face met his, grateful for the warmth and tenderness he was providing. It was almost like old times. Her arms wrapped around him in a needy embrace. All the loneliness gave way to wanting.

They were starting to get hot and heavy, hands wandering over each other. She was necking him a bit, then whimpering when he slipped his tongue inside her mouth.

Without warning, she pulled away. "No, I can't do this!" A sob escaped her lips as she shook her head. She quickly hid her mouth behind her hands. Whether it was to conceal her sobbing or to block further kissing was not apparent.

"Do you want me to say I love you now? Is that what you want?" Orochimaru asked in his softest voice. He gently drew her back to him and stroked her shoulders.

"No, you're cold and cruel. Your heart is pure stone," she wheezed, shaking her head. Tsunade had stopped sobbing. She wiped the tears from her face with her hands.

"You loved me once. Or was that a lie? Remember all the times I climbed in through your window and we made love in your bed? Did you think I was cold then?" Orochimaru tugged her closer to him, so that her glorious breasts were against his torso.

He'd definitely missed those. It was driving him mad. Why did she have to be so stubborn? If she would just give in, he could make her forget all about that pitiful Dan.

She wriggled out of his grasp once more. "I was an impetuous teenager. We were both more innocent back then. I've seen how dark you've turned." Her inflection was spiteful and bitter. The fire was back in her eyes.

Orochimaru's body went rigid. He glared at her and hissed. "Well, perhaps you will change, too, for now you know how it feels to be responsible for the deaths of two loved ones." With that, he stormed out. His footsteps echoed with angry thuds.

After he'd gone out of his way to make everything better, Tsunade had the nerve to insult him like that. Why did she have to be so stupid and obstinate? He offered to say he loved her and she still thought he was some sort of unfeeling monster. Orochimaru sincerely hoped his last words to her would be prophetic. Her heart may well have turned cold already, for her to scorn him yet again.

That was it. He'd had it with her. Orochimaru swore then that he would never open himself up to her again. It had been a mistake to even try consoling her. Tsunade deserved having her life in shambles. She could rot for all he cared. She was of no use to him now and he hated her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering why I avoid having him refer to her as 'Hime,' I see that as a nicety he would use only in public. In private, Orochimaru feels the need to show his dominance. Also, I just see him as loath to admit someone else could be superior to him in any way, shape, or form. For all the interactions of theirs I've written, he's either going for overwhelmingly seductive or just plain vicious. I mean, he would like to think of her as his princess, on the condition that he becomes Hokage, or failing that, a god.
> 
> Also, I'd say that Jiraiya is his best friend and he cares for him deeply, but he'd never admit that. Not in a million years! Orochimaru doesn't even realise it, himself.


	3. Memories IV and V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Anko's turn to shine within his darkness. And slip through his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets pretty non-con towards the end!

4.

 

"I have decided that my successor as Hokage shall be," Sarutobi paused, ostensibly to exhale a puff of smoke from his pipe. "Namikaze Minato."

The officiating hall was filled with gasps and murmurs of disbelief.

" _But he's so young!_ "

" _I was sure Orochimaru would be chosen_."

Orochimaru blinked slowly. He could feel his body stiffen from the shock. It didn't seem real to him. Sarutobi had always favoured him. Why was the old man suddenly passing him over for his team-mate's student?

How could this have happened? His sensei had pretty much groomed him to be his heir since the academy. All the pride Orochimaru had been feeling just moments before dissolved. The sting of humiliation replaced it. His entrails seized up in an icy knot. Resisting the urge to put his hands to his stomach took a great deal out of him.

Minato stepped forward and bowed to Sarutobi. As he did, people gradually began to clap and congratulate him.

"I might have had an inkling. He does have a great teacher, after all!" Jiraiya let out a piercing laugh after his boast. With an incline of his head, he flashed everyone a smug grin.

A young girl's voice suddenly rang out, causing the crowd to fall silent. "That's not fair... My sensei deserves to be Hokage!" It was Anko. She was shaking her little fists.

Jiraiya dropped the arrogant smirk. "Hey girlie, show some respect! Orochimaru, control your student." He turned to his team-mate and shot him a nasty glare.

Those words snapped Orochimaru out of his stupefaction and challenged him to revert to his usual, impassive self. "I can reprimand her on my own, if I so choose. Just because your student is now Hokage doesn't mean you can tell me how to raise Anko," Orochimaru spat back in a lowered voice. He was trying his best to keep his composure and avoid making a scene. "Let's go, Anko-chan." He grabbed the girl by the arm and dragged her out.

Once they were outside, he let Anko go. Orochimaru put his hand over his eyes and groaned. After taking in a laboured breath, he began rubbing his temples.

"Am I in trouble?" she asked in a glum murmur. Anko was hunched over and looked to be on the verge of tears. Her jaw quivered as she averted her gaze from his.

"No, you're not in trouble," he replied gently. Orochimaru smoothed out her sleeve where he had taken hold of her and combed his fingers through her bangs. "In fact, I'm going give you a special treat later. All the dango you can eat, how does that sound?"

"Yeah!" Anko flung her arms around his waist. She looked up at him, her mouth stretched into an impish grin. A second later, her expression changed once more. Now it was a nonplused squint, though she didn't let go of him. "Huh? Wait, but why?"

He smiled at her. "Because you gave me the perfect excuse to get out of there. Sitting through that fool's accolades is the last thing I want to do right now. I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue much longer. For that, you are to be well rewarded. Later, though, if you don't mind. I'd like to go for a walk to clear my head first."

They walked silently through the village for some time. Orochimaru had his hands in his pockets, whilst Anko's were both clinging to his left wrist. Finally, they came upon the entrance to the cemetery. "You should go pay homage to your ancestors, my dear. I'll be over here when you're done," he said.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sensei." She appeared to be slightly worried as she walked off to her parents' plot, but she didn't say anything more to him.

Once she was out of sight, he walked over to his own parents' graves. Orochimaru wanted more than ever to talk to them about what had happened; yet at the same time, he dreaded it. He could picture their disappointment in him. This day had been a slap in his face.

 _Mother, Father, how can I tell you that I've failed?_ In his mind's eye, he saw the blank, stilled eyes of his mother's severed head yet again. After all these years, it still haunted him.

Being Hokage meant everything. Once he had achieved that, he could resurrect his parents and no one would be able to question the morality of it. Now it was as if his parents were dying all over again, because he could not bring them back. They would only be ashamed. He needed to be Hokage to make up for causing their deaths. And now he was so angry with Sarutobi, Konoha meant nothing to him anymore. He despised it.

Why did Sarutobi betray him? He thought the old man cared about him. Sarutobi had been like a second father to him growing up. Orochimaru had gone several months or longer not speaking after his parents died. He would just sit numbly by their graves. It was there on that exact spot where, after a great deal of coaxing, Sarutobi had managed to get him to say something. Orochimaru admitted to the man his fear of causing more deaths by speaking.

Now it began to sink in. That duplicitous bastard had played him for a fool this whole time. Sarutobi was keeping him weak, keeping him in check. The rage permeated the fluid in Orochimaru's veins. He'd make that pitiful, old man pay for it. He'd show Sarutobi what it was like to be betrayed, and what it felt like to be caught in the dead glare of a fallen loved one's eyes.

 _When water remains still, it becomes stagnant and fetid. Only when it is in motion is water drinkable; a source of life. I must find a way to stir things up, to adapt_. A scheme began to formulate in his head. His new goal would be to avenge himself on Konoha by razing it completely. And killing Sarutobi. The village would pay heavily for what it had done to him.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, Anko-chan?" Orochimaru didn't need visual confirmation to know that she had re-joined him. Her chakra was easy to sense as she gingerly came up behind him.

"Orochimaru-sensei, it hurts me to know you feel bad. I wish I could cheer you up." Her voice was soft and melancholic.

Orochimaru turned around to look at her. "What makes you think I need cheering up, my dear?"

"You only visit your parents' graves when something upsets you."

He gave her a weak smile. "You always were a clever girl, my Anko-chan. Yes, I suppose you've found me out. Hmm, let's keep it a secret, shall we? You're the only one I trust knowing that."

His strength began to return to him, soothing his nerves. "Ambition is the most important thing in life." He knelt down and stroked her cheek. "The day will come when I will ask of you things that seem most unreasonable. Promise me you won't back down."

Her dewy eyes blinked slowly several times as they locked with his. "I promise," she whispered, breathlessly.

"Remember this. You're the only one left who's special to me. If you betray my trust, I would be much more upset than I am now." He was still caressing her cheek, fascinated by how hot her face was getting. The girl blushed so easily. It was rather charming.

"I'd rather die than do that to you. You're my whole life!" She threw her arms around him, burying her face in his neck.

Orochimaru pulled back to place his hands on either side of her face. Leaning in once more, he stared at her for a moment before pressing his lips to her forehead in a lingering kiss. Then he held her fast. She almost made up for this crushing disappointment he was suffering. Almost.

 

5.

 

"Come with me," he said, crouched down in front of Anko. He proffered a hand for her to take.

She merely sat there, staring blankly at him for what seemed to be aeons.

The hesitation was not a good sign. It filled him with doubt, something Orochimaru found exceedingly uncomfortable. _The choice should be obvious_ , he thought. _Don't be stupid, Anko!_

Her gaze abruptly shifted off to the side.

He knew immediately that she was refusing him. The shock was cold and sickening. It felt as if his abdomen had been slit open and his intestines were splattering out onto the floor. _Don't show weakness. Don't give her power over you. Let your blood be ice as far as she's concerned._

Calmly, Orochimaru got to his feet. "So be it. I'll find a more excellent child," he said with as much nonchalance as he could muster. Lying wasn't something he enjoyed, but sometimes it was the safest way to handle a volatile situation.

He took one last, brief glance at her before exiting the room. More than anything, he needed to be alone. Orochimaru started toward his private quarters. There, he would be able to vent.

Amachi followed, locking the door to Anko's cell behind them. "Orochimaru-sama, I think the experiments are still worth your time."

"Leave me," he replied, forcing his voice to maintain quiet impassivity.

His underling was not dissuaded. "But you shouldn't give up on our work up just yet." Amachi's effrontery knew no bounds.

His resolve cracked. He didn't have time for such impertinence. "Leave me before I cut off your head!" Orochimaru screamed as he slammed the door in the man's face.

_Anko, you promised you wouldn't betray me, that you wouldn't leave me. You were the last person I still held precious._

There had been a profound connection between them since the night he first saw her. She was but a small child, sobbing violently upon her parents' fresh graves. Anko had screamed at the ninja who'd tried to talk her down, insisting she'd rather die than grieve another loss. He had been the same age when he was orphaned, had felt the same pain. Knowing what it was doing to her, he'd gravitated toward Anko, making her his disciple and companion.

He had seen something in her early on. It was a mixture of natural talent and an overwhelming desire to please him. She would work her fingers to the bone to gain his praise. Having him as her master was only fitting. Being the top shinobi of the Leaf, he could teach her better than anyone else so that she could live up to her full potential. Anko flourished under his tutelage.

It wasn't long before she began to see him as something more than her master. Her adoring eyes and bashful smiles were evidence of a youthful crush. After the first few years, it gave way to utter devotion and a longing for a future together as she strove to prove herself to him.

As she reached puberty, her worship was ready to become physical. Anko's ripening was palpable. He could smell her arousal whenever they were close enough to touch.

That was what he wanted, to teach her to be his concubine. Once he was truly immortal, he'd be the only one she could trust never to leave her. She'd see that no other man was worthy of having her and remain entirely his, forever, the way Tsunade should have. Yet he refused to let all her heavy breathing and fleeting glances get the better of him. He waited until she convinced him she was ready for it. In the months since, he had worked to master her body, as well as train her to please him.

She had become distant ever since he showed her his experiments. He had hoped for the reverse, that she would be the one to understand. Part of him thought giving her the curse mark would be for the best. Either he'd have more control over her or she'd die and that would end things. He'd gotten too attached, was getting too distracted from his work. Something had to change. It was time for them both to shed their skins.

He'd had faith in her ability to survive. Anko was always one to rise to a challenge. It usually took time, but she never fell short of his expectations. The one thing he hadn't considered was that she might vacillate in her obedience.

_How could she refuse me? Didn't I take her in when she had no one else? Didn't I protect her and show her affection? I cared for her and she rejects me like this!_

Giving her the curse mark was not a decision he made lightly. It took weeks for him to conclude that it was something that had to be done. Orochimaru left her locked in a cell after performing it, as he couldn't bear watching what might well be her death. He had hoped she'd kill Amachi when they checked on her. That would signal that the curse seal had worked, as well as get that fool out of his hair.

_You promised me, Anko!_

He was moulding her to be the perfect woman, better than Tsunade. That would've shown her, for this young girl he had found to surpass the greatest kunoichi of the Leaf Village. Anko had the potential. She could have been perfect. And all his.

The fact the seal didn't work had been a bit of a relief. He admired her willfulness, till it went against him. She had always looked at him with such adoration before. It made him feel so strong and powerful. When her expression turned to disgust, he felt small, crippled. He had hoped she would accept him completely - see how evil he was and love him anyway. He wanted to hear her say, _take me with you._

_Why does everyone leave me?_

She was the only good thing left of him. The last vestige of his humanity was his connection to her. Now she had severed that tie. Without her, there was nothing to hold him back from his urges to destroy everything in his path. Why should he care about creating an ideal world without war and death? Such dreams no longer mattered when there was no one there to inspire them. All he wanted now was to dull the pain and forget he ever needed someone else.

_I hate your revenge on me, Anko. You said you loved me. Was that a lie? Could you not see my feelings for you? You were the only one I let get that close._

It felt like she was stabbing him repeatedly and slashing up his torso. He still couldn't say the words, but as he had walked away from her, he realised how deeply he loved her. And that was his weakness.

He loved her more than he had loved Tsunade and now Anko was hurting him worse than Tsunade had. Yet he wasn't mad at Anko in the same way. Tsunade had become spiteful and cold; Anko had turned into a frightened child.

Perhaps it had been too soon, but he had been so anxious to share his great work with his ingénue ever since he'd made her his lover. Seducing her had backfired. She was making him long for her like a fool. His growing need for her was shaking his grip on power.

It took him back to the loneliness of his childhood. Orochimaru couldn't let anyone in again. He couldn't risk going through this hell again.

Now he realised it was a mistake not to turn her against the Leaf Village. Perhaps he had wished to spare her of that hatred while she was still young or thought it'd be natural in her. When he told her the Hokage knew about his experiments, it was true. He'd already abandoned the village. Only he hid the details from her. He should've said more. He rued the miscalculation.

He should've told her his feelings, how hurt his pride had been by the Leaf, how much he needed her, but he was afraid of showing weakness. Now she had made him weaker. Just as Tsunade had done to him. Sarutobi, as well. He'd been his father figure, only to betray him by choosing Jiraiya's lackey to be Hokage.

Perhaps Anko just didn't know what she had done. Maybe she would miss him when she found herself all alone again. Maybe he could sow the seeds that would make her return to his arms. Part of him was still clinging to her, despite his better judgement.

He began to devise a new plan. Her memory would have to be altered to prevent the Leaf from obtaining any vital intelligence on him. While he took care of that, he could also remove the memories of her defiance. If Anko were to think that he'd merely thrown her away, she would be heartbroken. Though he did want to punish her, he also hoped she'd still care about him and return one day. The process would be almost like going back in time.

She was passed out from pain and exhaustion when he returned to her cell some hours later. He picked Anko up and moved her to a nearby workroom, where he put her down on a table.

As she lay there, Orochimaru leaned over her unconscious form. He didn't mind speaking aloud, since she wouldn't be able to hear. "You were supposed to serve me, worship me, make me stronger. Instead, you make me need you constantly. I can't let you rob me of power! You should've known better. You wanted me to be immortal as much as I do. What choice do you leave me with? You've forced me to hurt you, Anko. I have to do this."

After a quick hand sign, he slammed his right palm to her forehead. This jutsu would erase her memory of their location, as well their interaction following his performing the curse seal. She couldn't be allowed to remember that she left him. Anko had to think she was the one who had been abandoned.

Even now, the sight of her aroused him. He still wanted her, still ached for her. "You stupid, stupid girl! It didn't have to be this way. You could've had everything with me!"

In a strange way, the curse mark was like a marriage proposal. Or at least as close as he'd ever get to one. Orochimaru had offered to make her permanently and completely his, leaving the choice up to her. And regardless of her answer, he'd made her part of him by linking their chakra together. It was a shackle that could not be loosened.

"Go back to the Leaf Village, Anko. Feel the mistrust and revulsion they will harbour for you. Perhaps then you will see how you've made me feel, repudiating me like this." He brushed the palm of his hand gently against her cheek. "That's right. Come crawling back to me, begging my forgiveness. You'll be mine again."

It was getting to be too much pressure. He wanted to have her, yet at the same time, wanted to hurt her. Before he could stop himself, he licked the swollen curse seal on her neck.

She twitched and sputtered a bit, most likely from the pain. Anko was out of it, but she could obviously still feel. Perhaps she'd wake up, ready to obey.

Either way, it made no difference. His mind was made up as to what he was about to do. He was already rock hard. "Selfish me, I'm going to have you one last time," he whispered against her throat. "What will it hurt? It'll be something to remember you by, my sweet girl."

Gently, he pushed up her shirt and brassiere to caress her bosom. Her breasts were soft and supple against the palms of his hands. He lowered his head to suckle and nibble them. The way her nipples hardened in his mouth excited him further.

His hands then travelled down over her stomach and seized the waistband of her shorts. He removed them and dropped them on the floor before progressing to her knickers. These he pulled down and left hanging around her right ankle. After a brief second of hesitation, he moved in to lick her clit. He lingered there a few minutes, not wanting to forget the way she tasted. Soon, he decided he was too achingly hard and had to have her immediately. A few quick movements and he'd taken his cock out of his trousers.

Orochimaru shoved himself inside her. There it was, that heat and constriction he needed to feel. Her tight, little hole was welcoming him inside as if she were awake and willing. "I can't believe this is the last time I'll have your cunt. I won't let it be! I know you'll want it again. You want it right now, don't you?" He moaned loudly. "Ay, cunt! Cunt!" His eyes rolled back in their sockets.

Anko was groaning and whimpering and was also fairly wet as he pumped himself into her. "Unconscious and yet still enjoying this... Hmm, am I that good or are you just that much of an incorrigible tart, Anko-chan?" He asked, half-expecting her to hear and understand him. "No, I'm sure it's both. Isn't it, you delicious, little tart," he laughed, as he grew more brutal with his thrusts.

She kept stirring and he was really starting to think she would come to and reach for him. After a few seconds, she began mumbling. "Orochimaru-sama... Orochimaru-sama..." It was enough to convince him she was still out of it. As such, he saw no point making sure she got off and focused solely on his own pleasure.

"You're still mine... You're never going to be free of me..." He was breathing heavily as he sped up the movement of his hips. "I've put my mark on you... Every time you look at it, you'll remember that you rightfully belong to your sensei! Your body is my possession!" With those words, he lost control and came inside her with a vicious growl.

His chest felt oddly tight as he pulled out of her. Orochimaru replaced his now flaccid cock in his pants and straightened himself up. Then he set about redressing Anko.

Orochimaru was careful about putting her clothes back on. He didn't want her looking overly dishevelled when she was found. What he did with her was no one else's business. For people to think he experimented on her was one thing, but the ANBU and Sarutobi didn't need to know she had been his lover.

Just as he finished dressing her, Orochimaru felt something hot and wet on his face. It couldn't have been semen, as that was all inside of her. He raised the tip of his finger to his cheek to examine it. Only then did he realise he was weeping. There were just a few tears, but they were enough to startle him. He thought he had lost the ability to cry years ago. "Curse you! Curse you, Anko!" he hissed. At least she wasn't awake to see him so weak. This was something he couldn't let anyone know about. He was supposed to be stronger than this.

For the first time, he found himself envying Tsunade's ability to drink herself numb. Maybe it was worth a try, if he could manage not to make it a habit. The way it usually made him sick would likely insure future temperance. There was one last thing to take care of before anything like that, though. He had to have Anko dumped somewhere in the surrounding country before she regained consciousness.

Orochimaru wiped his face and steadied his breathing, then opened the door. He quickly summoned a few of his underlings. "Get her out of here," he told them. Thankfully, his voice cooperated with his desire to appear unmoved. It came out soft and devoid of emotion. "I don't want her dead. Do you hear me? Just away from the base."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was the darkest sex scene I've done, but it's what I felt would happen. His love for her turns cruel, but she's made him suffer like nothing else he's known.


End file.
